This whole blog thing..

well, lately i've been writing more and more. mostly just to get things out of my head. it's getting to where i figure out, if i don't then i start to lose more and more of my own patience.
I'm aware that many can just search my name on the internet and this blog link will come up and i'm starting to think that that's a good thing. maybe people will be more aware of others if they see what they're going through.
lately things are a little rough and yes, i'm not a secretive person. if you ask me about something, i have nothing to hide. i used to be a person who didn't want anyone to know about my life but how can i say that now and blame people for not understanding if they have no idea?

I honesly think that everything goes up and down for me. like people say when it comes to relationships that it's a constantly changing course rollercoaster... i believe i fit right in with that.
This school year ended in May and now i'm a senior. knowing that there is so much pressure on me to do so perfect is verrryyy intimidating. Of course, my grandparents use the form of punishment if they do not see excellence and for most that would make them do great... correct? for me, i see if as a threatening way and kinda too pushy. i'd rather you just tell me that you're here and i'll WANT to do my best. anger is not my motive.. i'd rather be happy and try because i want you to be proud, not do good so i can keep my phone, or my privaledges. you know?
I've had a BUNCH of guy issues in the last few months. to the point to where the last guy i was with.. broke me down more than i've ever had anyone do before.
i basically gave it my all because the person that he was, I THOUGHT he was there for me always. or at least he promised to be. as every guy does. right? well, he made me feel like i could be myself. that he was looking at me instead of the way i did my hair or face or the way i seemed like everything was always perfect. then something happened and now it's like we've never met. we don't communicate in any way and now he has a new girl and i have a new guy. i really just wish that there was a way i could start my heart over with a clean slate.. you know?

like i could erase all the hurt i've ever felt so that when that special person comes i don't blame them for something they never did to me. because of other's mistakes but it's human nature... we're always going to compare the person we're with currently to the person that we were with before them so we can weigh the odds on if they're good for us.
I'm not saying that's a good thing but hey... what else do you expect. our brain saves every relationship we've ever had and analyzes every emotion we felt with them. if i could... i'd take it all back,

i'd take it back so far as 7th grade with my first real kiss. ugh ! maybe then i wouldn't have ever felt the abandonment i always felt when they up and left and never came back.
hard to say when the person that has your heart currently, lives in a state that's farther north and you've never even met in person huh?

that's a chance that i chose to make but... i guess i'll see next year after i graduate how things will play out. i have to decide whether i want to stay here and go to college or go meet him and live out my life as if every day is my last. you know?
maybe the decision that comes to me, will be the one that's meant for me. i'm hoping that something doesn't take me away before i get a chance to live this out but if it does, i'll know that it wasn't meant to happnen.

i just wish there was something that would give me a sign on where i belong, because as of now, i have one place... .but who knows.. that place could change it's mind at any time.